I had been thinking on how there seems to be this theme for entering the year of the unknown. I had been so apprehensive to return to Cajabamba. Not because I didn’t want to or had been unhappy there, but it was like there was a dread inside me. I dreaded leaving my family again. And I dreaded the possible hardship that the year MIGHT bring. Even though I didn’t know what was in store. It just felt like it was going to be a hard year. Nonetheless, God met me in this. He identified it with an Instagram post I saw. “The Unknown” a graphic read that a friend had posted, noting how she felt challenged to embrace this theme. “No one knows what 2020 holds,” they said during worship at the church service later that morning. Turner mentioned the unknown. And that one reminded me: “ya know, I have been called to the unknown…” and all that is involved with that.
So yes, many examples of the unknown. But tonight I was thinking on how it scares me how much I am liking Turner. Like what if I really fall for him? And then it turns out not to be? Or that he doesn’t love me? Or that he’s a psycho? Or a pervert? Or something? Sigh. What if he breaks my heart? I don’t know if I can do that again. It made me think on how leaving my family this time was so hard. I explained it to Charito how maybe it was because when I left the first time I didn’t know how it felt to be away from my family, but this time I did. And I didn’t want to feel that again. It hurts. A lot. I thought more: it’s like in sports when you have an injury, and then after that there is this fear of doing the same thing. You may have a tendency to shy away from the movement that led to the injury—it may have not even been the actual cause of the injury…but it resulted in injury which gives you enough reason to not even near it. So, these things: broken relationships, distance from family, physical injuries. It is in part a fear of the unknown, but perhaps even more, it is a fear of the re-known. It’s a fear of it happening again if you follow a similar movement or pattern as before. The trauma. The memories that uncontrollably intrude your mind and vision. It hurts. It hurts deep.
But I guess like with the sport injury—you can’t be afraid. You’ve rested, you’ve rehabbed, you’ve recovered, and you’ve strengthened. It’s time to get back out there and continue living. It could happen again, sure. But, one day, there will be no more pain. The joy and glory of heaven will overwhelm it. So, take the risk. Fall in love. Continue to follow God’s call even if it pains or discomforts or inconveniences you. Keep playing.
The Lord is with you. You cannot fail.
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