Part 1 On The Topic of Selfishness
A “new normal” is a phrase many are using. But many like myself are still waiting to see how some things pan out before we can even enter into a new normal. Thus, we’re making the most of the waiting time and the in-between—which is still a non-normal. And in the hoopla of continuing to live in a non-normal, I’ve found some ways to keep myself occupied, which has included helping out with some of the local volleyball programs. It’s been enjoyable to be back in the volleyball scene for sure.
Volleyball is a pretty technical sport, and the technique is particular. Although athleticism often contributes to a great start, the ideal techniques are often not natural for many and require lots of practice. Intentional Repetition after intentional repetition is often the path necessary for reaching that desired technique. With time and practice, players improve their technique but even as players grow in their skills, their technique may still need to be tweaked. Adjustments may still need to be made to their form, and the slightest adjustment can make a world of difference. But even achieving this slightly adjusted form may take a world of additional time, practice, and repetition. It can be quite frustrating for the player and demands patience and diligence. Players often get impatient with themselves, with their coach, and with the process. It is difficult to trust that the work towards bettering their form is worth it. For starters, many of these players have been able to succeed just fine with their current level of technique, so many don’t understand why they need to change anything; it’s difficult for them to trust the aspired technique will actually improve their game. Second, the effort to adjust their form may temporarily decrease their level of performance due to the shift and focus required to do something new and different. Simply put, these adjustments can really throw a player off.
Indeed I did just provide a cheesy sports analogy to think on life as it has been these past few months. Adjustments. I believe we are all very familiar with them during this season. Truly for the majority of us, our world stopped. Work shut down, school shut down, social activity shut down. In Peru, even going out for a walk was shut down. Forced adjustments. Every meeting, birthday party, and baby shower via virtual communication platforms. Financial adjustments. People have lost jobs, taken pay cuts, or are just having to readjust their future financial plans. People have had to adjust their weddings, graduations, those celebrations that are so unique because of the ones who help us celebrate! Many of these are major adjustments; some are a few slight adjustments; and some are an overwhelming amount of slight adjustments. There is the spectrum of major loss and devastation all the way to just normalcy has been threatened and often compromised.
It’s been weird for me, especially at first. I had been still in my first year in Peru, but I came back Chattanooga because it seemed like a wise precaution. But I didn’t necessarily want to come back. It was honestly disappointing. I love Chattanooga, I love my family, and being reunited with them in this time is great! But in my eyes this wasn’t where I was supposed to be. This isn’t what I was supposed to be doing. There’s much more that could be said about that, but all in all it felt like I got derailed off my train tracks, and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. I chalked the transition up as a temporary re-location, and in those feelings I was reluctant to be here and restless to get back. I tried to mentally coach myself on how God’s use of me was not just limited to me being there. But it was hard to struggle with seeing what purpose I would have in being here. My purpose. Big emphasis on the word, “my.”
And with that word presented I would like to take this moment to transition to the topic of selfishness. Why? 1) It’s actually not a topic that gets discussed often. 2) This season has become a lot of recognizing and letting go of my selfishness. I have become keenly aware of the reactive thoughts in my head often related to the following: “This is not what I wanted. This is not what I had planned. What am I going to get out of this?” Essentially, things aren’t going my way, and I haven’t been happy about it. And I would credit this exposure of selfishness to the adjustments.
Though this is not the sole purpose of adjustments, it is a really good one. Like in volleyball with the player who may be reluctant to adjust her technique, here I have been reluctant to adjust to my track. There have been a myriad, I mean a myriad, of feelings of being inconvenienced, of distrust, and of utter defiance directly towards my circumstance and consequentially towards God. The adjustments themselves have not been the only source of these sensations, but they sure have contributed. I plan to elaborate on these feelings and the other circumstances that have catalyzed them. But to conclude this thought on adjustments, I just want to say that remember: like the adjusted technique in volleyball, the adjustments going on in our lives can often be the gateway for something better. God is good and uses all things for the good of those called according to His purpose. And you have the choice to be a part of that purpose or not. It’s pretty simple: just let Him be in charge of your life. Stop resisting Him. Let Him forgive you. Let Him show you love and comfort and peace. There will still be hard and painful things. But if you let Him, He’ll use the hard and painful things for good. He’ll use the adjustments to make something better in the long run.
The adjustments are not comfortable—by their nature they are not comfortable. They can be confusing and may appear to make no sense. They may be weird to work through and maneuver. That’s okay. They may appear to do nothing but destroy what production and progress was already constructed and achieved. Try to trust that it’s all for creating and building something even better than before. That’s renewal. Don’t be afraid to recognize your own selfishness that may be exposed through the adjustments. Because yes you are selfish! We. All. Are. And when you recognize your selfishness, you may actually become disgusted and disappointed with yourself about it. Let that happen, too. It’s going to make you see how much you miss the mark. But don’t stay there. Talk with God about it. He extends a grace to you so that your selfishness will not overwhelm you.
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