[I do recommend reading my prior blog here before reading this one]
It is not easy to wait, to keep waiting. I knew there was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to return by this time, but I really did expect to be able to return by now. And each time they release the new monthly update, the restlessness and insecurity instilled by the reality that my current situation is prolonged indefinitely, resurges. And it usually takes me a couple days to calm back down, to reach the equilibrium of everything is actually going to be okay!
To be transparent, it's hard to be in this in-between of still trying to serve the ministry there but be here in the states, in this culture of non-stop, you're-really-not-doing-anything-unless-your-schedule-is-filled-to-the-brim expectation that often feels imposed. It's a lot of my own insecurities, ya know? Like I do have the control to not feel pressured by this. But I have to be honest that often I find myself stressed and anxious after conversations with those around me when they ask what I am doing back, how long am I planning to be back, what I have been doing while I have been back, what do I plan to do until I go back, etc.
I can't believe myself that it's already been about five months since I've been back. Five months. I was honestly hoping that I would have been able to return by June. And then, me being the optimist that I am, I was hopeful for July. And then August. And then September. "Wait for the Lord. Take courage. Let your heart be strong. Wait for the Lord," Psalm 27:14 says. I have often been weary of the wait throughout this whole time. I really try to take courage and choose to be strong through the wait. Like my ideal is that I am this super certain, super confident person who isn't at all bothered by the opinions of others because I know I'm doing what God called me to do, and so why worry? But I spend a lot of time worrying. I spend a lot of time trying to fight negative thoughts of doubt and second-guessing and fear. And pride.
[Sigh.]
Despite my anxious wreck of a self, somehow there have been ways that I have become more certain in God's calling for me, in God's continued calling to this ministry, and in just being who I am and doing what I feel like I am supposed to do, despite opposing opinions. For one, let's talk about my support situation. Being a missionary and on the financial support is always a sensitive subject. It can be awkward, it can make me feel less than; it is humbling. But, in this season, God has used some of my main supporters as some of my greatest encouragers and signs of confirmation that I'm supposed to keep planning on going back to Peru as well as continue serving the ministry there in the capacity that I can. So many of them have said, "If God is still leading you there, we will keep supporting you! Whether you are here or there, it does not matter." With what I am doing remotely for the ministry in Peru, there are some specific hours and days that I have to block off since I am working with time-sensitive projects (weekly services, small groups, etc), so their support really has allowed me to continue prioritizing these efforts and tasks for the Peru ministry as my top priority. "Where God guides, God provides," is definitely a message God has proven more and more true to me in this season.
I have also revisited some of my old journals—if you know me, you know I spend a good amount of time jotting down in a journal. I have re-seen a lot of ways God initially spoke to me about my call to missions and ministry in this time, to not be surprised or alarmed if my situation often was somewhat unfamiliar and unconventional to most; on the contrary, I was to be certain of that. Well, right now I would classify this as an unconventional situation. And I haven't been too confident through it because it is actually quite uncomfortable. But re-reading this journal entries relieve my insecurity a little. I am doing okay. I am still in the Lord's will, and I am just taking it one day at a time with Him.
In other news for this month, I've continued to enjoy some great quality time with family. I've gotten to re-connect with some friends or girls from church. Last week I had at least four unexpected conversations with younger women or girls who were interested in missions. That was really neat to see how God orchestrated those interactions. I'm doing a Bible study of Isaiah with a couple of friends, which I must say is enjoyable to have a Bible study in English for the first time in over a year. I'm enjoying helping out at Calvary Chapel Chattanooga and teaching the 3rd/4th grade class on Sunday morning. I went to my niece's 4th birthday party last weekend. I got to attend one of my best friend's postponed wedding receptions, and I'll get to be a bridesmaid in another one of my best friends' weddings this coming weekend (lots of love and weddings right now!). I also will get to enjoy another unexpected visit with my boyfriend over Labor Day weekend. So, life is not at all a complete wreck; no, there is still a lot of beauty amidst the storm. A lot of good gifts and blessings from the Lord in this time.
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